A love letter to
my inner child
Please note: The following contains sensitive reflections on
mental health, trauma, and a suicide attempt.
Proceed with tenderness.
• • •
On March 27, 2020, I checked myself into the Emergency room of the Douglas Mental Health Hospital.
A weekly therapy call became a buoy and lifeline.
In the last 24 hours, I had attempted suicide.
But I didn’t want to die.
The nurse told me that's the hardest way to do it.
"Do you believe in demons?", the Doctor asked me with authority as we completed the screening.
(I didn't want to die).
They gave me a pill to help me sleep, a one-night stay and a neatly packaged explanation of the events — as seen from the outside — documented as stress-induced psychosis and a suicide attempt.
(I had to leave because of the screaming...)
The checkboxes of events involved:
- The end of a rocky, long-term relationship.
- My business and income vanishing in hours.
- Binging marijuana to fuel creativity.
- A sudden illness; I couldn’t keep food down.
- Sleeplessness turned to exhaustion.
- I began to see and hear things.
As everything that gave me stability broke apart, both in my world and the collective, I could no longer navigate or trust anything.
When the world shut down, time became a vacuum — filled with over 30 years of unprocessed trauma and emotion.
Unseen forces, both known and unknown, twisted everything.
It painted vivid scenes of destruction, terror, and disgust, with a brush that had never before touched canvas.
My creative mind turned against itself and dreams shifted into night terrors. It was out of control...a never-ending crisis.
I was stretched to both extremes of who I could be.
I faced unimaginable pain, confusion, and suffering — unspeakable things.
Leaving me shattered, vulnerable, lost.
Pushed to the brink, too many voices screaming at me to make it seem as though the only way, step or answer was...
To kill myself.
So I was teetering on the edge...
I became a molecule of light.
The smallest spark that I had left.
Holding on at the end of my last breath…
(I didn't want to die).
Until I finally let go—
and gasped for air.
• • •
What follows in this space — these collective bodies of work — are the guiding light and roadmap for that version of myself to come home.
It is everything I wish I knew.
It is everything I needed.
It is the strong hand to hold and guide the inner child back out of the deepest, darkest corners within so they can let go and feel safe again. It is protection.
They are the documented process of recreating myself from almost nothing. Rebirth.
This is the culmination of thousands of hours of intensive healing and how I found faith in a world that continues to shake violently at its foundations.
Now, this is for you.
First, it was for me.
I hope you heal.
Love,
Thank you to all the beautiful souls that helped me get back home.
Start Your Journey
It's free.
• • •
